


The Breeders

by jaerie



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Breeding, F/M, Forced, I'm not really sure what else to tag because it has been so long since i wrote or read this, Loss of Innocence, M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, Sexual Abuse, Sibling Incest, Underage Sex, but it is dark and fucked up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-18 02:27:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16108865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaerie/pseuds/jaerie
Summary: There is something so majestic about a stallion. The deep black colour of his sleek shiny coat glinting in the moonlight as he gallops along a white fence. Each flexing muscle causes a lusting of the observer who is looking for the perfect animal. He stands tall with a confidence he was bred to have, already knowing he's one of the best.There are, of course, different things desired depending on the type of horse you are looking for. Speed, strength, and agility each mean something different to the person looking to buy. A breeder with their mind set on a work horse would have little interest in the cosmetic details of a show horse. A show horse would have little need for above average strength. Each horse is uniquely tailored to it's purpose. It is perfectly acceptable to speak of animals in this light much like neighbors speaking of their different breeds of dogs.A stallion may be viewed as having the perfect life. He is well taken care of and protected from most harm. His job is to sire offspring to be like him.This is my life. I am a number in a catalog. I am a set of physical attributes picked to produce a desired result. I help create the workforce that keeps their city alive.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to my regular readers! I am going to warn you that I wrote this a long time ago and it will not be what you are used to reading from me (okay so maybe it is but in a different fandom from a different time in my writing career). 
> 
> For one, I went to write more of this a couple weeks ago and was HORRIFIED to see that I had written this IN FIRST PERSON. GASP. What was I thinking?! It was my first longer fic and it is unfinished. I think the last update to this was 2012? I'm posting it here because I was asked if it was still up to read and I decided I might as well move it over from its livejournal home since the rest of my fic lives here now. 
> 
> SO YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!! and I almost beg you not to read it because it has been so long since I've read it that I don't even remember how good/bad it is. I mean the IDEA is good... but... I WROTE IT IN FIRST PERSON.

There is something so majestic about a stallion. The deep black colour of his sleek shiny coat glinting in the moonlight as he gallops along a white fence. Each flexing muscle causes a lusting of the observer who is looking for the perfect animal. His mane blows gracefully in the wind created by his pace, his tail rippling behind him in long waves. He stands tall with a confidence he was bred to have, already knowing he's one of the best.

There are, of course, different things desired depending on the type of horse you are looking for. Speed, strength, and agility each mean something different to the person looking to buy. A breeder with their mind set on a work horse would have little interest in the cosmetic details of a show horse. A show horse would have little need for above average strength. Each horse is uniquely tailored to it's purpose. It is perfectly acceptable to speak of animals in this light much like neighbors speaking of their different breeds of dogs.

A stallion may be viewed as having the perfect life. He is well taken care of and protected from most harm. His job is to sire offspring to be like him.

This is my life. I am a number in a catalog. I am a set of physical attributes picked to produce a desired result. I help create the workforce that keeps their city alive.

 

**Part One.**

 

It was always difficult to wake up and this morning was turning out to be no different. This morning was actually starting to feel worse as the brilliant light invaded the slivers my eyes had become. Today's wake up call indicated it was my sixteenth birthday and while I should be excited that I had made it another year, that meant being assigned to my permanent position in the workforce which held no excitement for me. I was growing up yet I already longed to be back in testing. Testing never seemed serious to me until this final day was upon me, riding my back like a stubborn monkey, cementing my life's destiny.

Job testing began at age twelve and continued through fifteen. I had immediately been taken out of educational testing in my first few days back at the beginning for my lack of interest and short attention span. We had already leaned how to read times and basic words when we were younger. We'd need these simple skills for deciphering our daily schedules. Anything beyond these daily needs were saved for a select few to master. I was not one of those few and was placed into manual labour testing for the duration of my testing days. For the last 4 years I had been put through strength and endurance sessions up to sixteen hours a day. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it sometimes though. It was a welcome distraction to the silence that waited for me when I returned to my small room each night. I had finally been good at something, too. I watched the other boys struggle as they attempted to throw the weights over their heads while I could do the same without flinching. It made me feel worth something in the sea of the teenage boys around me. The testers seemed to favour me as well for my skills 

I held on to the hope that my testers still liked me as I forced myself to open my eyes completely and change into clean scrubs for the day. As I pulled the pale blue material over my legs I briefly hoped that my new job assignment would come with another uniform. Sometimes the loose fitting fabric made some moves in testing difficult and I didn't want it to hinder me in my real job assignment. Mistakes were not tolerated like they had been in testing. I had at least learned that loud and clear from my instructors. Everything must be done perfectly.

With anxiety high in my system, I gathered up my few belongings and laid them out on my bed. We weren't allowed to have many personal items but I had been able to keep a few notebooks through my testing and also a few pencils. A welcome distraction to the silence, I found I liked to sketch when I was back in my room. I looked over my things one more time before taking a deep breath to summon up my courage. Walking over to my door, I slid my hand under the glowing red light, palm down. My barcode seemed florescent on my skin as it was read, my schedule flashing up onto the small green screen. Breakfast, Room Assignment, Job Placement. Seeing the words brought a new wave of nerves to my stomach and wished breakfast could wait. I had learned to never skip a meal, though. Denying the food that was given to you would only mean less scheduled meals for the rest of the month and I loved to eat. They always made it clear you were to be grateful for what you were given on a daily basis.

My breakfast portions were bigger than they normally were and I quickly glanced around me at everyone else's plate. Mine were definitely bigger than everyone else's and more variety. Did this mean I needed more food to keep my energy high for my new job placement? It sent another wave of anxiety through me as I thought up strenuous jobs I could be assigned. Maybe excelling in strength had been a bad thing for me to have done. Maybe I should have faked my way through testing to be placed in an easy job.

After I had forced my breakfast down my throat and into my fluttering stomach, I headed towards the nearest scanner to be directed towards my new housing placement. I had only been moved once before when testing had begun. That move placed me in my solitary room after having been in the children's quarters with rows of bunk beds lining the wall. Though I hated hearing all the other boys breathing and noises around me a solitary room was much worse. I was left with only my thoughts which rarely consisted of more than worry about the future. I knew very little of the outside and it left far too much to the imagination. I had never even seen one of Them before. A boy near me in testing had once insisted he had but without having witnessed one myself, it was hard to believe his stories. He was just as isolated as me I had to assume.

Ward A. I had never been to Ward A before and I tasted blood as I began to chew nervously at my lip. I wasn't even sure I would be able to find my way there. As if reading my mind, my screen gave me three instructions to lead me to my new home. The hallways, void of anything but grey doors, loomed ahead of me. Just as they had been in my previous quarters they were sterile white and each of my footsteps echoed like thunder against the concrete brick. Sweat covered my palms as I reached the labeled door that was to be my new home and I took a long deep breath before slipping my hand beneath the scanner. With my few possessions under my arm, I watched as the grey door swung open after the lock clicked dramatically in the empty hallway.

Despite my nerves, a small smile invaded my face as I saw two single beds set up on the tiled floor, their wire headboards pressed up against the wall. I would finally have some company in the long hours of nightly silence. Would I be with one of the boys that had been with me through testing? I hadn't been particularly fond of any of them but I hadn't disliked many either. I would have settled for anyone really. I stepped through the door and the lock clicked shut behind me, leaving me to get settled in my new space. This room had an attached bathroom, a luxury I had never known this far in my life. Still clutching my things I took a step inside the smaller room and saw a deep bathtub with a shower meaning I could bathe whenever I pleased. No more scheduled shower sessions in my daily routine. My smile grew wider as I ran my finger along the white sink. It wasn't much but it was already more than I could have hoped for. This new job assignment must be of some importance or these items wouldn't be here. I stepped back into the main room and let my eyes wander. My roommate had already been here at some point, his things neatly placed on the small table by the bed he had claimed as his. I arranged my own possessions on my small table and sat down on the edge of my creaky mattress. I could definitely get used to this.

My job assignment for the day wasn't far from my new room and my steps took me there much quicker than I would have liked. Again with sweaty palms I scanned myself in and pushed the door open, immediately surprised at what I found on the other side. Nice couches and chairs of bright colours lined one corner of the room while a large curvy white desk, tall enough to reach my chest, wove its way across the back wall. I approached this desk, stopping short as my eyes landed on the person sitting behind it. I had never seen a woman up close before and I couldn't help but stare at her with wide eyes. Once or twice I had seen one from a distance moving through a distant hallway but never close enough to see any details other than long hair. Her's was brown hung down in long curls around her face, her skin lightly tanned down to where it disappeared beneath her lab coat. She must have been used to stares as she didn't even hesitate as she held her hand out and asked for mine. Most boys coming into this office would probably have had my same experience with women since we grew up segregated. Wordlessly I shoved my hand over the desk, her skin soft as she scanned my code into her computer.

“We'll just take you in for an exam today,” she said, the sound of her voice shocking any air from my lungs. I couldn't remember how I imagined women sounding but it definitely wasn't the reality in front of me. She couldn't have been much older than I and I wondered briefly what type of training she had been through to be assigned this job. Would I be working with any more women in my new assignment?

She led me behind the desk and through a small hallway that was nothing like the naked ones that took me to the living quarters. This was much different with brightly coloured paintings lining the walls between the wooden doors. She grew impatient with me and sighed loudly as I took my time with my steps, my eyes wandering over each frame as we walked by.

We finally made it down to an exam room where she instructed me to remove my clothes as she turned and pulled a few things from the cabinets in the corner. I felt a sense of shame growing low in my stomach but I wasn't sure why as I pushed my pants slowly to the ground. This was no different than any other exam I had been given through my childhood other than the woman standing before me. It shouldn't matter, right? I questioned myself as I nervously chewed at my lip, my eyes again wandering over the strange creature in front of me.

She turned towards me, taking my blood pressure and other vital signs as I stood awkwardly naked in the room. It didn't seem to phase her as she went through her routine, jotting down numbers on her clipboard as she went. I tried to read the papers she was using but most of the characters were foreign to me. I had never completely been taught how to read.

Her eyes moved between my legs as she pulled gloves onto her hands and I immediately felt a rush of blood to both my cheeks that were burning bright red and my penis which began to stiffen. A mixture of confusion and shame began coursing through my veins as I tried to make sense of the reaction my body was having. Of course I had touched myself when this happened to me at night but I had always been alone for that. I had occasionally caught one of the other boys trying to hide an erection during testing so I knew I wasn't the only one this happened to but I still had no idea why it did.

This woman seemed unphased by this reaction of my body as she grabbed my shaft with one gloved hand. I blushed brighter as an involuntary noise left my throat, biting hard at my lip as my eyes wandered downward to watch what she was doing. Her hand felt so good and warm against me as she began to stroke, my fingernails forming crescents in my palms as I squeezed my fists closed tightly. I was smart enough to realize after the first few times that I wasn't actually pissing myself at the end of the pleasure but I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of this woman by letting it happen today. It was quickly too much for me to overcome, though, my body shaking slightly as she calmly collected the white stuff into a cup as I came. The confusion was clear on my face as I watched her. My reaction had been completely normal to her and it baffled me.

“You can get dressed now,” she instructed, pulling off her gloves as my shaky hands moved to my pale blue clothing. I had never been in so much shock so far in my life. It was hard to believe someone else could make me feel the way that she just had and my reaction had been normal to her. I repeated that last part to myself a few times as I tried to figure out what it meant.

“That will be all today. You'll have test results and your assignment tomorrow,” she told me as she led me back out to the desk. Test results? I wondered as I nod my head, my feet taking me back out into the empty hallway. So far my day had been full of confusion, my mind spinning as I tried to place everything together. I still wasn't sure what my job placement would be and I would already had an assignment tomorrow?

The creak of my new bed was a welcoming sound as I took full advantage of the downtime the rest of my day would be. It was rare to have day hours to myself and I even got a little excited at the prospect of a nap.

I wasn't sure how long I had been laying in bed when I heard the familiar click of the door lock. I had already forgotten I would no longer be living alone. As the door swung open I scrambled to a sitting position, slipping my fingers through my short cropped hair to lay it flat again after being against my pillow. My lip was firmly between my teeth as I anxiously awaited my new roommate. I gathered the courage to look to the door where my eyes were immediately met with the most welcoming colour of warm blue I had ever seen in my life.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing I noticed once I was able to get over the initial shock of his eyes were his clothes. They were clothes I had never seen before. His shirt had buttons up the front and there was a pattern on the fabric. I couldn't divert my eyes away as I took in every inch of him and his unfamiliar appearance. His hair, unlike my mandatory cut, hung longer and framed his face though a few pieces were stuck behind his ears. It was also lighter than mine which made his dark eyelashes stand out against his pale skin.

“I was wondering when this would happen,” his voice was warm when he spoke and made my lips curl into a timid smile to match his. Though his eyes had been welcoming from the beginning, I could tell he had been very surprised to see me sitting in his room. “What's your name?” he asked as the door clicked shut behind him. His long strides took him to sit across from me on his own bed, his mattress creaking like mine had as I quickly spouted off my number nervously.

“No, what's your name?” he asked me again with a small laugh in his voice, “I'm Taylor. What's your name?”

“Zac,” I squeaked out after a pause, trying to force my voice to show even a fraction of the confidence he had. My mouth had become sandpaper, though, and my cheeks burned as I became flustered. It was rare someone wanted anything other than my number. It was how I was identified. I could only remember a few room leaders calling me by anything but my number and that was back when I was a small child. My name was something that was held mostly in my own mind.

“Are you sixteen or were you picked out of the workforce?” he asked with a spark of intense interest in his voice. It was obvious he was excited to have me there. It was also clear he was more accustomed to talking to people than I was. The conversation rolled easily off his tongue while I struggled to form responses in an acceptable amount of time.

“Sixteen,” I opened my mouth but the word came out as more of a mumble and he smiled warmly at my response.

“Congratulations! It took me almost a year to get here, you must really be something,” his lips remained curled up and though his words could have sounded cheesy, he was genuine as he said them. That I could tell. A warmth swelled inside my chest as I tried to contain my smile. No wonder this room was so nice, I had really made it somewhere. Where that was, I didn't know yet, but it had to be special.

I watched as his face suddenly changed, his eyes examining my face as he chewed thoughtfully on his lip. I grew nervous under his stare and began to fidget, fingers picking at the seam of my blanket as I looked down.

“We'd be three years apart...” he mumbled to himself, his eyes squinting slightly as they stayed trained on my features. “I guess I can kind of see it...” his confident voice had turned to more of a thoughtful mumble and he seemed to be talking more to himself than to me.

“What do you mean...?” I asked hesitantly once I'd mustered up enough courage to make my vocal chords work though they still felt dry with nerves. The pause had been long as I had waited for him to elaborate but he hadn't, leaving me growing increasingly anxious.

“That we look a little alike,” he explained as his expression snapped back into place, his smile returning. I was even more confused than I had been a few moments ago and my face must have told him this as he continued to explain. “We're brothers,” he replied happily, “That's the only way we'd be sharing a room.” I felt my face fall blank, my confusion remaining in my mind. I had heard the word before but never in reference to me. My bottom lip found a home between my teeth as I chewed absently at it. He seemed to be more knowledgeable than I already and I didn't want to make myself feel more inferior to him so I stayed quiet. My lack of response must have given me away though as he pushed himself up off of his own bed and moved himself over to mine.

His body was warm against me as he sat close enough for our thighs to touch. I felt his weight shift the mattress as he reached across my lap and took my hand into his, turning it so my barcode faced towards us.

“See? We're brothers, we have the same maternal code,” he told me, pointing it out on my hand before holding his own up against mine. My eyes moved between the two numbers and he was right. The first digits matched up exactly. While that still didn't exactly make sense to me, a relationship between the two of us began forming in my mind and suddenly he wasn't a complete stranger. We were at least connected... somehow... and he seemed to want me here. Acceptance triggered an emotion I had never experienced before and it made my nerves melt slowly away from my body and caused me to smile. Maybe I could ask him to explain the details to me later, after I got used to everything. His smile matched mine as he gave my hand back and stood up, stretching his arms above his head with a tired sigh.

“I think I'm going to go grab some dinner, want to come with me?” he asked me after placing his hands on his hips, looking down at me from his position towering above me. I began to chew on my lip again as I mentally looked over my schedule. That hadn't been assigned to me.

“It's not on my schedule,” I replied, looking down at my feet that suddenly felt frozen against the tile floor. Another small laugh came through in his voice which caused me to look up at him, feeling small again.

“You don't have to be scheduled for dinner,” he motioned to the door for me to join him but I hesitated, lip still between my teeth. My eyes followed his motion over to the door and I stared at it as if he just asked me to jump into a fire and he chuckled softly again at my reaction.

“No, I'm not really hungry,” I lied, hoping my stomach didn't rumble in that moment for him to hear how empty it actually was. Though he seemed genuine, I wasn't sure I could trust him quite yet. The very last thing I needed was to be revoked from my new assignment before I had even started it and an unassigned trip to the cafeteria would cause that immediately. Maybe he really didn't want a roommate and this was his way of tricking me out of my spot here.

I watched as he shrugged and scanned his hand to leave the room, silence wrapping around me again after his footsteps had faded down the hallway. My brain was swimming with the days events, unable to process one thing before mass chaos enveloped it with confusion and caused my head to ache. I laid down on my back, my eyes staring straight up at the ceiling. As I looked up at the dots that made up each ceiling tile, I threw each thought up to the sky. I assigned each thought to a dot to hold until I could reach up and grab it only when I was ready to process each one individually.

I had made it somewhere desirable. That seemed the best thing to focus on first. We had all been told of the worst places to be assigned while we were going through testing. It was a way to encourage us to work harder and push to be the best in the group. When someone fell behind, they were immediately reminded that their failure would land them in the worst possible assignments. We had once been shown a video clip of field workers. Visible sweat was pouring down their faces while blood came from their hands. I had looked on in horror as they were forced to continue their tasks, their faces blank and broken. The image had seared itself into my head permanently and I visited it each time I thought about what my assignment would end up being. The relief I felt being in this place was too astronomical to describe. I still had no idea what I would be doing but Taylor had shown no sign of this type of labour. I let myself relax as I tried to imagine the perfect assignment I would start in the morning.

I envisioned myself in an elaborate room like the one I had visited earlier. I saw myself smiling as people came and went, scanning each one in and out as I sat on a puffy soft chair. Maybe that would be my new assignment. Maybe my hard work in testing had given me an easy post to man. I let myself become giddy at the possibilities and before I knew it, my thoughts had become dreams.

I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until the deep breathing beside me pulled me back into consciousness. I wasn't used to sounds while I slept and was surprised the door hadn't been what had drawn me from my dreams. Propping myself up, I let my eyes settle on the figure in the other bed. His back was turned towards me but I still watched as his ribs expanded with each breath he took. It was comforting to not be alone.

A new smile crept onto my lips and I let it shamelessly stay there. After I had fully accepted that my new roommate was real, I fell onto my back and looked up to the ceiling once again. A hint of colour caught the corner of my eye and I turned my attention to my small table in my corner of the room. My notebook had been opened, a small note scribbled there on the corner of a page. I picked it up and squinted a the characters scrawled there. I knew some of the words but the whole message was lost to me. You, not scheduled, and food stood out among the other words and my stomach rumbled as I saw the banana and apple my roommate had apparently brought back for me. He had guessed the reason for my hesitation. I wasted no time devouring the fruit before returning to my position on the mattress.

Yes, this was going to be the good life.


	3. Chapter 3

When I opened my eyes again, it was to the morning alarm. I found it easier to pry my eyes open when excitement was bouncing around in my stomach rather than the nerves that had occupied that space the previous morning. Taylor looked in worse shape than I as he rolled over and pressed his face into his pillow. I had to remind myself that he was used to this routine, it wasn't new to him anymore.  
I took full advantage of the private bathroom, splashing my face with cool water just before stepping back out into our room. Taylor had barely moved from where I had left him and I was glad I had a few more moments to myself. I tiptoed over to the scanner and slid my hand beneath the light, a giddy expression on my face. Hoping that my assignment would be spelled out for me on the screen, I stared at it as my schedule was revealed to me. After breakfast was a word that I had never seen before. I squinted my eyes as if that would help me decipher the letters but after a moment I all but gave up. After breakfast I would be doing something.

“Instruction,” Taylor's voice startled me so close to my ear and I felt my body jump. I spun around to face him with a questioning look plastered to my features. “Instruction,” he repeated to me again as he pointed to the word on the screen and I turned myself back around to look. I took a moment to commit the word to memory incase it appeared to me again and nodded slightly. He must have made it further in his educational testing than I ever had. From the appearance of his note and now this, much further.

“Good luck,” he slapped my back and smiled before disappearing into the bathroom. I took a breath to gather my courage before heading to breakfast, embracing the familiar part of my routine.

Instruction took me to another unfamiliar hallway to a room similar in appearance to the one I had been taken to the day before. A man was behind the curvy desk at the back of this room, his eyes watching me as I approached. He took my hand and yanked it across the desk to read my scan without a word.

“Take a seat,” he said, pointing me to the chairs arranged in the corner of the room. I chewed on my lip as I silently took his instruction and sat in one of the plush chairs. The spring of the soft seating made me subtly bounce against the cushion once more before sinking my body against it. It felt as comfortable as my bed and I had almost dozed off completely when I was finally called back up to the desk. A woman with a clipboard, very similar to the one I had encountered the day before, was waiting for me at the mouth of the back hallway. It had been at least an hour I had waited and my legs felt stiff beneath me as I moved myself to follow her.

She led me to a small room and motioned me inside before clicking the door shut behind us. There was a table in the middle of the small space and I sat in the chair on one side as she sat across from me, setting her clipboard down between us.

“We were impressed with your results,” she told me as she flipped through the few papers attached to the board. She stopped on one and I recognized it as my final analysis from testing. I had still been in the top of my group only a few days before. “Those results and your analysis both make you a prime candidate for this assignment,” she told me, reading my analysis before flipping back to the first page. She takes my hand, scanning my code again with her lighted pen. Verifying the numbers against the ones printed on the paper, she makes a small checkmark next to each group of 4 digits.

“Your last four digits will be your paternal code, you'll need to verify this code after each completed assignment,” she pointed to the numbers on the paper and then on my hand as if I wasn't already aware they were printed there. I nod my head slightly in acknowledgement as she continues her checks down the page of paper. Hair colour, eye colour, skin tone, height... I focus on my number written at the top grouped into three sets of four. Above each group a word was printed and I lost myself in my head as I tried to read them. I wandered back to the night before when Taylor had pointed out our matching maternal numbers. I knew enough to know the sounds of individual letters and assumed my first set of numbers was identified on the paper as my maternal code. I moved on to the next set of numbers and tried to figure out the word identifying them. I had never been curious about my code before but now I needed to know.

I was snapped out of my daze as the woman snapped her fingers, a blush rising to my cheeks as I realized I had been lost in my own thoughts and not paying attention.

“You will be reevaluated for your assignment at the end of ninety days,” she said, making it clear she was repeating herself. “Productivity will be the main focus of your evaluation but will also include behaviour and the maintenance of your testing skills. Is that clear?” I nodded my head and wondered what other instructions I had missed in my moments of thought. “You are required to complete one instruction session today and will begin assignment tomorrow with your regular schedule. Questions?”

Of course I had questions. Several hundred questions but I kept my mouth shut and shook my head. If she behaved the same way as the testers, questions weren't welcome and I was already accustomed to doing exactly as I was told. She picked up her clipboard and stood, prompting me to do the same.

“I will take you to your instruction session, check out with the desk before you leave,” she told me as she opened the door, waiting for me to walk into the hallway before following. “Down this hallway,” she gestured and I begin taking steps. Though this hallway was carpeted, I could hear the thud of my heavy footsteps through my legs and up into my eardrums. Each step made me more anxious to learn my assignment. Would I be able to understand my instructions?

As if I wasn't able to do it myself, she took my hand and held it beneath the scanner as we arrived at the door of my instruction. The lock clicked and she opened it for me.

“Check in at the desk when you're through,” she repeated to me and left me to enter the room alone. It was small and I felt slightly claustrophobic in the area before the door even closed behind me. I wasn't sure what to expect but this wasn't much. My eyes wandered around the small space landing on a table that came to my waist and a chair in the corner of the room. There was also a door on the opposite side mirroring the one I had entered. I stood alone, wringing my fingers together as I waited for something to happen. Again time stretched slowly in front of me and my palms grew sweaty. Was I supposed to be doing something already? Had I missed my cue?

Just as I began to panic that I had already failed my first assignment, the door on the opposite side of the room clicked open and a women in a lab coat entered with a smile on her face. This was only the third woman I had encountered in close range but I immediately liked her the best. Her smile was warm and her body was small. Her height was less than mine which made me less intimidated by her, she only came up to my shoulders. I could tell she was about my age and I let my mind wander again as she took my hand to verify my code. I wondered about her life before this. Did women go through testing just as I had? Were the expectations the same? There were so many new concepts I had never pondered before all crashing down on me in just a few short days. I was hoping that I would stop loosing myself to my thoughts soon, I didn't want to perform badly on my first day.

“Don't be nervous,” she said to me in a kind voice as she hooked my clipboard onto a tack in the wall. “I do this almost everyday.” I smiled back at her timidly, she was nice and her eyes were a warm brown that had a calming effect on me. “I need you to undress for me,” she said casually, her hands slipping into the front pockets of her coat as she waited expectantly for me to obey. I do but just as nervously as I had the day before. I controlled the shaking of my hands, though, as I pulled my shirt over my head and folded it neatly. I placed it on the chair and slipped my pants down my legs. I felt her eyes on my body and the sense of shame began to build within me again. I caught a glimpse of her face and see something unexpected. Approval? She looked satisfied with what she saw which helped me calm myself a little. More questions flooded my brain but I shut them down, unwilling to make myself more nervous than I already was.

“Don't worry, I know you've never done this,” her whispered voice tells me near my ear before she makes her way to the opposite door again. She opened it wide, pulling out her scanner as another woman joins her from the hallway. After being scanned in, this new woman, dressed like I had been, moves around the table. I could tell she had been in this room before from the way she knew exactly where she needed to be. She removed her clothes as I watched, her body so different than mine. Until that moment I had never known the differences between men and women. Just as they had the day before, my eyes betrayed me as they glued themselves to her body. Though I had never seen a body like this, I was oddly drawn to it. I wanted to explore the differences with my hands, feel her flesh where it was different from mine. I focused on the swell of her breasts, confused by their placement but wanting to caress them at the same time. The sight stirred my emotions up inside and made them resettle themselves at the pit of my stomach.

My reaction must have been expected by my instructor as she stood with her hands still in her pockets, rocking on her feet as if she were bored. The naked woman in front of me never looked up from the floor, silent as she stood with her arms at her sides.

“Okay, position,” my instructor said and the naked woman turned her back towards me. She moved up to the table, resting her hips against the edge. “Okay 2308,” referring to my number as she motioned me closer to her. The naked woman bend forward, leaning her arms against the table away from me. “This is just a training room, it may be different for your assignments,” her voice told me evenly.

I let my eyes again take in the differences as the woman spread her legs wider, losing myself to my comparison in my own head once again.

“You'll need to stay a little more focused,” my instructor told me at the same time her fingers wrapped around my penis. I let out an actually squeak of shock at the action, my eyes snapping down to look at her hand. Two days in a row now I had found myself in this situation and still I felt the same rush of emotions. My breathing felt heavy as the warmth of her hand overwhelmed me. “Don't be shy,” her voice telling me I should feel completely normal about this. My stomach began to do flips as I let my eyes close. It had felt good yesterday, maybe letting it feel good again today would mask the confusion that overwhelmed me before.

Before I could talk myself down from the shock of her hand stroking me, I felt her tug at my erect member and my eyes flew open quickly.

“Over here,” she instructed me, a hand guiding my hips and my body closer to the naked woman before me. I felt like I had melted into a puddle on the floor before I even knew what was happening. Her hand had guided me to a warm place that felt amazing and unexpected. After recovering my eyes from the back of my head, I looked down to discover myself buried inside the woman I had watched undress. In a moment of panic I thought about my own body and the only place something could be inserted and immediately tried to rip myself away from her. Strong hands held me in place as I tried to pull away, her voice near my ear.

“It's okay,” she assured me which did little to nothing to calm me. What was happening? “Just relax,” her voice again near my ear, her fingers grasping my hips from behind now, using her body to hold me in place. She began to move my hips for me, rocking my body in a gentle motion. I couldn't deny that it felt good but that didn't stop the feeling of my breakfast rising higher in my throat. This didn't feel right. I felt very unsettled despite what the physical sensations were bringing to me.

My nerves overwhelmed me with these new sensitivities and I felt the building pressure between my hips suddenly give way. I swallowed hard to keep the bitter taste of bile at bay as I struggled to understand what was happening. Apparently pleased with my performance, my instructor released my hips and I immediately pulled myself away, retreating to the corner of the room with my clothes.

I watched as the woman dressed and left the room silently, her eyes still down as she made her exit. I pulled my clothes on though I hadn't been told I could. I didn't care. I felt small as I backed myself into the corner, all of my building excitement from earlier in the day replaced with a void to the tune of confusion.


	4. Chapter 4

My return to my room was a blur as I almost ran the entire way. It felt safe to hear the lock click shut behind me and know I was alone. Chest feeling heavy, I let my back fall against the door, propping myself up with what little strength I had left in my body. I couldn't describe to myself how I was feeling, my stare landing blankly somewhere in the room. Bland colours melted into nothing as I listened to my heart race deep within me. Inside burned a sensation that hollowed out my stomach though I couldn't place it's exact origin. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before and I didn't expect so many new emotions to come with my assignment. Focus and work had always been drilled into me since I was young, especially since I had begun testing. You focused to work and worked to survive. It was how things were for everyone here. I couldn't remember any instances when that rule didn't apply. Even the testers, my superiors in almost all ways, were also subject to this. Being a tester was their assignment just as mine had been given to me. My assignment had brought up new aspects of life that didn't fit into my focus and work frame of mind.

Through my testing I had grown use to the day to day routine of things. There was always a certain level of anxiety when facing a new strength level or activity but I always knew I would do well. It was rare I had to worry about things I saw the other boys fretting about. Once I had been transferred from educational, I had watched many boys be transferred away from physical to other departments I didn't even know of. I had never had to worry about another transfer after I'd found my skill there, I was good at what I did. I wondered if the boys being transferred out of physical had already experienced the emotions that now ran through me and made my heart shake. I had been clearly told I would be transferred if I didn't meet the expectations of this assignment which was a completely new fear. What if I couldn't do what they wanted? I already wasn't completely sure what I had just done. It had been done for me.

Feeling my skin crawl, I blindly stumbled my way into the bathroom, stubbing my toe hard against the door on my way. Ignoring the sense of pain that sent a bolt of shock through my body, I reached my hand into the shower and turned the handle to start the flow of water. I adjusted the temperature as hot as I could stand it, steam immediately pouring from behind the curtain that enveloped me in warmth. I shed my clothes and stepped in, skin burning red as the stream began to pound against me. Grabbing the bar of soap I used it against my chest first, working up a lather with vigorous strokes that made my skin begin to sting. The uncomfortable pain was a welcome sensation as it distracted me, cleansing me from the events of the day. I turned my back to the spray, flinching with the heat as it invaded a new area of my body.

The suds ran down my skin creating little rivers of white that moved all the way down my legs and pooled near the drain. I watched the soap collect at my feet and my hand slowed, working its way down. Water had never felt so good to me. It immediately dulled my senses, calming me.

I could still feel the sticky wetness of her clinging to me as the slick soap found its way between my hips. I concentrated on my breath, inhaling the thick air deeply as I cleaned myself. The steam made my head feel lighter as I used the bar of soap to slowly stroke myself, blood collecting there until I let out a small moan. I couldn't ignore that past my confusion, it had all felt so good. My nerves remembered exactly how warm it had felt to be inside of her, my body shuddering as my fist closed tighter around myself. Eyes closed tightly, I tilted my head back into the hot water, the soap making my motions slick, mimicking the feeling I couldn't erase from my head.

Like pieces of broken glass sliding back together, I slowly came to a conclusion as to why women had been kept separate from my section. The sight of her body had been intriguing to me, I had wanted to touch her, to explore her. I had gotten hard without realizing it had happened as I stared her after she had undressed. I couldn't explain the urge I felt as I dropped the bar of soap for a better grip. Now alone with myself and thoughts everything was painfully arousing. I didn't have the overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety encompassing me now. I let myself experience again the rush that moved through my body as I felt her, my thumb sliding over my swollen head as I let out a whimper. That part of my body had never received that much attention, the ache for release a new feeling I was quickly getting used to. I came hard thinking about the motion of my hips that had been moved for me, my pleasure quickly fading away as the reality came back into focus. Someone else had been in control of the one thing that had always been mine. The one thing I had done in the dark night alone in my room. I slid against the wet tile until I was sitting in the corner of the bathtub, water raining down on me as it mixed with my tears.

Sometime later, once the water had begun to run cold, I dried and dressed myself in a fresh set of clothes. Without much direction I climbed into in my squeaky bed, covering myself with my blankets. I completely disregarded my schedule as I curled myself up on my side, staring blankly across the room. I had turned my mind off to the world outside my box but it felt good.

I heard Taylor come and go several times from the room but I didn't move nor process what he was doing. It felt safer inside my head and I intended to keep it that way. If I had known Taylor's routine, maybe I would have known where he was going but that was still a mystery to me. He must have appointments such as mine or we wouldn't be living in the same section. In testing I was usually gone from my room straight from breakfast to dinner with no time to check back in to my room. That hadn't mattered though. The only thing in my room was my bed and my own thoughts. Food, showers, bathrooms – they all were elsewhere in the hallways. This room was different. There were reasons to stop back throughout the day.

It could have been the fourth time or maybe only the second but when Taylor came back to the room, I felt his eyes on me, burning through the barrier I had built up. I didn't look up, not wanting this stranger to think I wasn't worthy of being here after how special he had made me seem only the day before. I felt pathetic when I thought of myself compared to what I already knew of him. He was bright and happy about his assignment while I was trying to hide from mine.

The mattress shifted behind me with the weight of his body as he sat down, surprising me with his proximity. I hadn't expected him to come so close to me or near me at all for that matter. My whole body tensed as I felt his warmth lay behind me, strong arms wrapping themselves around my middle. I wasn't sure what he was doing but his touch broke through my daze rather quickly.

“It gets better,” he said, his voice soft as he spoke to me in a soothing tone. His breath was warm near my skin and I felt myself shatter once again with his words. I let myself cry as I had alone, loud sobs that I didn't try to hide. With just three words he had told me I wasn't alone in this and the emotional floodgate stood wide open. I let my body press back against the big spoon his has created around me and though the feeling was completely foreign, I loved it. It let me feel not quite so hollow for a few minutes.

I must have fallen asleep once I had exhausted myself emotionally. The next thing I remembered was hearing the soft sound of someone snoring very close to me. I was disoriented for a few minutes before piecing things together. Taylor was still in my bed though he wasn't holding onto me anymore. Instead of the comfort I had felt at first with his close presence, I felt awkward with his body laying against mine. The heat of his body made me feel claustrophobic beneath the blankets and I began to breathe heavier. I wanted him to remove himself from my space and go back to his own bed immediately.

I sat up quickly, trying to rouse him without it seeming too obvious I had done it on purpose. Instead I ended up losing my balance on the edge of the small single bed, landing in a heap on the shockingly cold tile floor. Taylor awoke with a start back on the bed and looked over the edge at me in all my grace.

“You okay?” he asked me in a sleepy voice as I nodded and pushed myself up off the floor, goosebumps left on my skin. He got up off my bed, stretching his arms above his head as seemed to be his habit and moved around towards his own bed. I took the opportunity to climb back in between my blankets, curling up against the cold I had just felt. Taylor decided to take a detour on his way back to sleep, coming to sit on the edge of my mattress again, turning to face me.

“You're really quiet,” he commented, looking down at me in the very dim light that my eyes had grown used to in the last few minutes. “You're not from educational are you?” I wasn't expecting him to ask me a question like that but figured it was obvious I wasn't compared to what he seemed to know. I shook my head, biting the corner of my lip between my teeth.

“Physical,” I mumbled, wanting to disappear from his questions. I could tell he wasn't judging me but I still felt small under his gaze. I had been good in my department but it still meant I had failed with my beginners education first. My response seemed to make a lightbulb go off in his head, an understanding crossing his face.

“That makes sense,” he responded with a thoughtful but small nod. “I wouldn't put off your schedule again tomorrow then,” his hands pushed him up off my mattress and he crawled back onto his. He had noticed I hadn't gone through my schedule? What else had he been paying attention to?

“Why not?” I asked after several long moments of the wheel turning around in my head but I received no response. I was about to ask again as I heard his snoring already from the next bed. Who had noticed I hadn't been at my schedule?


	5. Chapter 5

I barely slept the rest of the night. My inability to move for most of the day and my nap of exhaustion had completely invaded my normal sleeping pattern. I stared through the darkness with my eyes wide, my subconscious wanting sleep but conscious my thought not letting me. A clammy sheen of sweat covered me all night as I removed my blankets and then replaced them, always feeling chilled on the surface but sweltering at the core.

I welcomed the morning alarm as I normally wouldn't. I was not excited for the day ahead of me but glad for an excuse to remove myself from my bed. With heavy eyes I scanned myself in, groaning inwardly at the words that I knew would be placed there. Breakfast before assignments. I changed from my sweat dampened clothing and left the room before Taylor had even stirred. He got away with sleeping past our morning alarm and I couldn't understand why he didn't seem to care. The first time I had ignored my morning alarm once I had entered testing had been my last. That day had left me in discipline for a sixteen hour stretch I swore I would never repeat. I could still feel the cramping my muscles had felt for days after I had been released.

It was a little early for my assigned breakfast time but I went anyway, a growl in my stomach from my missed meals and exhaustion from the day before forcing me not to care. I waited through the line and for the first time, really noticed my surroundings. Most of the men in the nearly empty cafeteria were around my age, some a little older, but all keeping to themselves. I had always done the same which is why I had rarely noticed much about the system. With this early breakfast shift, I realized most of the men around me were assignment workers, not testers as I was used to. I could see a different look on their faces, their optimism gone. I could remember what it felt like to be around other testers. Sometimes I would hear them have small conversations with each other about accomplishing a task or their fear about failing a new one. It was few and far between that testers interacted with each other that way but it did happen. Naturally as children they were hungry for anyone's attention. Here with assignment workers, I noticed not one interaction.

I scanned my hand and walked through to get my tray. Again my breakfast portions seemed bigger with a nicer meal than I had expected. I glanced to the man in front of me and saw that his seemed to lack any appeal at all. His hands gripping the tray seemed calloused and scarred, his face set in stone with lost eyes. My mind immediately revisited the traumatic video we had been forced to watch and I stared at this man. Feeling my eyes on him, he turned to me briefly before looking away and I felt ashamed for letting myself hate my assignment. He looked more broken than I had felt yesterday upon my return to my room. I could have been placed where he went everyday.

I filled my stomach in silence from a spot in the corner so I could watch the others around me. They all kept their heads down, paying no attention to me or anyone else in the room. If what Taylor said was true, maybe I really was someone special to placed where I was. If I was unable to keep up with my quotas, I would be transferred somewhere much worse, I was sure. Looking around at the other men, I decided I did not want that to be my fate. They all looked so rough and broken.

My first real assignment was not where I had gone the first, nor second day. I found myself at a plain white door, scanning myself in after a deep breath. The hallway I entered was much like the ones in the living quarters but narrower. The doors were windowless, lining the left side and the hallway was rather short. I wiped my palms on the thin fabric of my pants as I looked down the narrow space. No one was there to give me any instructions today and I felt a wave of nerves pass through me. This was the real deal, the first true test of my adult life. I tried to recall what my schedule had said but could only pull up the information as far as I had gotten. There hadn't been anything else. I stared at each of the five doors, walking myself up and down the hallway slowly with soft deliberate steps to keep them from echoing.

At the last door, I realized my paternal code, the one I had been told to remember, was glowing on the scanner of the last door. I chewed at the corner of my lip before hesitantly raising my hand to be scanned. The door clicked open and I pushed it slowly with my shoulder, procrastinating what I knew was to come. Again, the room was small and slightly claustrophobic. I noticed the change of furniture, my arms crossed over my chest as I looked around apprehensively. This time in place of a table was a large mat I had seen many times in the testing rooms. We had used them for our warm ups, our push ups, sit ups and anything else that required us being down on the floor.

Time dragged on endlessly in the small box of a room. I pondered leaving the room but knew that would not end well. Instead, I did what I knew to do. I moved myself onto the mat, placed my hands shoulder width apart and began to do push ups. My body moved easily with the motion, the familiar flexing of muscles helped to relax me. This I knew how to do and do well.

I was on the count of ninety-eight when the door on the opposite side of the room clicked open. I scrambled to a sitting position in the corner of the mat as a woman was escorted into the room. It was odd that she had been escorted while I had made it to the room alone. Perhaps she was new as well, just now being placed here. Her escort left and the door closed hard behind her, the sound echoing in the tiny space around us. Without a word she joined me on the mat, laying on her back as her fingers pushed her soft pink pants down her legs. As I had the day before, I let my eyes wash over her. Her skin was lighter in colour than the woman I had seen the day before and as I looked over her abdomen, seemed looser.

I could feel the sharp metallic taste of blood over my tongue and realized the inside of my lip had been taking a beating over the past few days. I released it and made a mental note to have more control over my nervous actions. My push ups had warmed my body up and I felt self conscious of the heat I could feel myself radiating. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do next. After a few minutes the woman looked over at me expectantly, an exasperated look on her face.

“Are you going to do this?” she asked me in an impatient tone, looking at me as if I were stupid for not moving. I nodded, realizing I would have to act eventually. If I waited, it would probably be forced and not too nicely. I crawled over to her, kneeling between her legs as I looked down, inspecting what I hadn't paid enough attention to the day before.

“I'm... not sure what to do,” I answered hesitantly as I pushed my own pants down my legs. The sight of her open legs was intoxicating to me and I was still unsure why. I knelt with my erection in my hands, staring down at her and I felt awkward. My actions had been done for me before and I was unsure what had actually happened. With a sigh of frustration, the woman reached down and roughly grabbed me. I let out a small yelp of pain as she pulled me forward. My hands hit the mat to either side of her as I lost my balance and suddenly I felt the warmth I had yesterday. I groaned softly in my throat at the shock, the heat quickly traveling over my already warm body.

There was a long pause before I remembered from my instruction to move. My hips took on a mind of their own as my own body created the pleasurable friction this time. I could tell this was not uncommon for the woman below me. While I was wrapped up in the action, she seemed elsewhere in her mind. I watched as she looked down between us and then up to my face, watching with a blank expression as she waited for me to finish.

The shifting of her hips beneath me was the end of it. The movement made my body twitch, the release coming suddenly for me as the sensation overtook my body. That was all I had to do yesterday so I moved quickly away from her, watching her reaction. She slid her pants over her legs and back into place, standing up quickly. She didn't seem to expect anything more from me and I considered this first assignment a success.

“You're too new. But you're fast,” she said to me as she turned for the door. Her escort was right outside and she left before I had a chance to respond to her. She was right, I was very new. Was that all I really had to do? My hands shook slightly as I stood, slowly placing each leg back into my pants before pulling them up to my waist.

I had a break in my schedule and instead of waiting around, I took the freedom I had to return to my room. I was surprised as I found Taylor on the other side of the door as it clicked shut behind me.

“Good to see you up,” he greeted me with a smile, a book open in his lap as he sat cross legged on top of his blankets. “I was getting a little worried yesterday. I can only save you so many times,” were his next words as he turned down the corner of the page he was on and closed the hardcover. I wasn't sure how he had saved me but stayed quiet as I sat on the edge of my own bed, looking down as I pulled my feet from my shoes.

“Trust me, it's a good assignment,” he continued after I didn't respond but I still kept looking down at my toes as they played with the edges of my shoes. I felt the bed sink next to me again as he sat close. “I get it, you know,” he said as he leaned his shoulder up against mine, fidgeting with his hands, “I knew a little bit about what was going on but it was still confusing.” At that I finally let myself look up at him, letting my guard down just a little as I met the blue of his eyes. “It gets better.”

Those words seemed vague to me and he had already said them once. Better that I would learn to live with it or better that I could learn to enjoy it?


	6. Chapter 6

“What do you mean?” I finally had mustered up the courage to ask him, feeling awkward as I folded and then refolded my hands in my lap.

“You get used to it,” he told me with a small shrug, a warm smile on face that made its way to his eyes. “And maybe learn to enjoy it a little,” he poked me in the ribs gently with his elbow that made me jump away slightly, the smile dropping from his lips a little. I could tell I had done something wrong but wasn't sure what he had meant.

“And that's... all I do?” I asked hesitantly, feeling bold since I had spoken. I adjusted my shirt a little and tried to casually move myself back into the space I had just pulled away from.

“Well yea, that's all you have to do,” he told me with a shrug, the warmth slowly returning to his eyes. I noticed that Taylor had a way of talking with his hands and it distracted me as he spoke. Because of this I found myself concentrating harder on what he had just said though it hadn't been much. My pause must have been long and he stood up from his place beside me.

“I have to get going,” he said as he glanced at his time, throwing a small wave of his hand in my direction as he slipped out the door. I felt a little more confident in what had happened with my first appointment of the day but I was still filled with questions. My new roommate had answered them but made it obvious I had to be more specific if I wanted him to elaborate. Maybe he would be willing to explain some things to me since he seemed to know what was going on more than I.

I looked over towards his bed where the book was still sitting. Curiously I reached over to grab it, opening it to the first page on my lap. I knew the numbers that were printed in the corners of the pages but not much else. I stared at the title in bold, naming the individual letters before I tried to sound out what I knew. It didn't work well and I soon became frustrated. How was it that Taylor appeared to read this so easily? I came to the conclusion that Taylor had to be in educational, especially from his question of my status the night before. Already I knew I couldn't measure up to him. I tossed his book back onto his bed and moved to leave the room as well.

Both my schedule and my requirements stated that I had to keep up with my physical abilities that I had so far excelled in. This meant I was allowed, or maybe forced, to spend some time each day in the gym area. I wasn't directed back to where I was used to training but to a new space that was smaller. It was still adequate enough to get all my skills in though and not crowded. There were only several other people that joined me through my time there.

I pushed myself through my normal warm up routine, the physical activity successfully clearing my head. When I had been in testing there had been no reason to think. Building up my body was just what I did on a daily basis. I was glad to find that it still had that effect when I needed it the most. A tester I was unfamiliar with sat supervising in the corner, looking on silently. I could tell he was making notes and assumed I was still being held to the same level I had before just without the coaching. With that in mind, I pushed myself harder, squeezing in every ounce of extra moves I knew my body could take.

I was sweaty but feeling completely like myself when my time was up. A real smile graced my face as I ran my fingers through my damp hair making it stick up in all directions. I grabbed a bottle of water near the door, chugging the first half before dumping the rest over my face. The cool water mixed with my sweat and ran in droplets down my neck, falling from the tip of my chin to the floor. My shirt was already wet with sweat so I barely noticed the water soaking through the fabric.

The world I had created at the gym slowly began to fade as I realized I had one more assignment before I could lock myself in my room for the night. Though I wasn't quite as nervous as I had been earlier in the day, I still wasn't ready for it. Taylor had said it would get better and I banked on that as I took my sweaty self back to the hallway I had been in earlier. This time my number appeared on a different door and I hesitated less before scanning in and pushing it open.

“Power through,” I told myself softly with the new mindset I had worked up in the gym. This was just like any other skill I had accomplished. Just push through it. Just do what needs to be done. I gave myself this pep talk as I waited, pacing back and force in the small space, psyching myself up.

The young girl that came through the door next shattered everything I had built myself up for. My face dropped as I looked at her. My fists unclenched at my sides as I lost all my confidence like the wind had been knocked out of me. She was definitely younger than I and looked absolutely terrified as she was pushed into the room. Her knuckles were white as she clenched her hands together, her eyes darting around as if looking for a way out. With as scared as I had felt in the past hours it was nothing compared to the look on her face. The click of the door made her jump visibly, spinning around as if she had just been locked in a gas chamber to wait for her death.

I kept my eyes on her as she spun back around, flattening herself against the door. Suddenly I felt like a predator expected to take out a small mouse that was already backed into the corner for me. Nothing felt right as the air around us quickly became thick and hard to breathe. This was not at all similar to the other situations I had been put into at all.

Her body didn't draw me in like the woman earlier in the day had. I had no desire to explore her body or look at her without her clothes on. I couldn't do anything to her, she was too fragile. Her eyes were a startling blue that brought my thoughts back to Taylor, her stare now glued to mine as if waiting for my attack. I watched as she wiped her palms again and again over her clothing, damp marks slowly making themselves visible against the pale pink.

We stared each other down for a long time until I couldn't handle watching the trembling of her body any longer. Too much fear had been placed upon me in my life for me to cause that for someone else. With a deep breath and a quick thought of the consequences, I turned and pulled my door open, running down the small hallway as fast as my feet would take me.

The echoing of my footsteps was deafening as I continued to run down the hallways of the living quarters until I found the door that was mine. I was winded but I knew it was from the events of the last few minutes and not the physical exertion. I could run for miles without noticing a change in my heart on a regular basis. My scanner made an odd noise as I scanned myself into the room, slamming the door shut behind me. I leaned my back against it and lost all composure. My chest heaved as it tried to even my breath, gasps instead taking over. My hands rested on my knees as my body forced itself over, my heart shaking with anxiety.

I was fully aware of what I had just done. I had never defied my schedule or orders to this magnitude before. A new wave of anxiety rushed over me and I began to gag, rushing myself to the bathroom to empty my stomach. I saw the bleeding men from the video flash through my mind and automatically began fearing the worst for myself. Sleeping past my morning alarm as a kid had been one thing but running out on an actual official assignment had a punishment I couldn't even begin to fathom.

Taylor's words from earlier began running through my brain and I began to sob over the toilet. 'I can only save you so many times' he had said but this was far beyond saving. I hadn't just missed my gym and lunch times. This was serious. I had walked out on my assignment.

My body shook as my mind zoned in on the young girl again, the terrified look in her eyes as she stared at me. It seemed as if I were holding a knife to her throat, threatening to slice into her flesh at any moment. I wasn't even confident in myself and they wanted me to take control of her? I shook my head as I sloppily swiped the back of my arm against my nose, only succeeding in wiping my snot across my face, mixing it with tears. I didn't even care. I probably only had a few minutes left to myself anyway.

Once my sobs had stripped away what felt like my entire soul, I leaned my hollow shell of a self back against the wall after grabbing a handful of tissues. I blew my nose and cleaned up my face that felt swollen, pulsing with the pressure my sobs had left behind. There was nothing left to do but wait. With hiccups to keep me company, I waited for the inevitable hell I had inflicted on myself to swallow me up.


	7. Chapter 7

I sat on the floor of the bathroom with what felt like a gaping hole through my entire abdomen. This time it was a defense mechanism, voiding myself of feeling before it was too much for me to bear. The sound of the door didn't phase me, I was ready for it but it did surprise me when it was Taylor who was there first. He ran the tap for a moment before turning to look down at me. I wasn't watching him, only seeing him in my peripheral vision towering above me.

I didn't even look up as he straddled my thighs, my legs stretched straight out in front of me. I also didn't flinch when he grabbed my jaw roughly, jerking my face towards him.

“Why would you do that?” he asked me angrily, fingers digging into my jawline in a bruising fashion. I rolled my eyes away so I wouldn't have to look at him though his hand kept my face directed firmly towards his. He took a cold wet washcloth and began wiping harshly at my face, cleaning up the tears, dirt and snot that had been left behind from my episode. I knew I must have looked terrible, my temples still pulsed and my head felt two sizes too big balancing on my neck. I couldn't find my voice to tell him what had happened but I figured that he already knew the main points of my disobedience to treat me like this.

“Listen to me,” he said, shaking my jaw to get me to look at him. In any other circumstance I would have fought his hand away, the pain drilling itself through my skin and into my bone, but I numbed myself to it. I finally rolled my eyes, empty and vacant, to look up at him. “This is what you say. You were sick. Something you ate made you sick and you had to run back here,” he said to me in a firm almost frantic voice, trying to get me to understand.

I just stared back at him, hearing his words but not knowing why I needed to say them. Sicknesses were not taken lightly here. With so many people living in close quarters, sicknesses were treated almost the same as disobedience. Any signs of disease were quickly quarantined in a different facility. I wasn't sure how claiming to be sick would be any better for me.

“Zac, do you understand me?” he pleads with me, my name sounding foreign on someone else's tongue. Finally he pushed my face away as he let go of my jaw in anger. “Don't you get it? That's the only way for you to stay here,” his voice getting more desperate the longer I didn't respond.

“Why do you care?” I finally spoke to him, leaning my head against the wall as I stared at his new position across the small room from me. He seemed different than the confident man that had welcomed me to this ward. His body seemed smaller, his eyes wild as my actions apparently had affected him as much as they had me.

“You're the only one of my brothers that I know,” he finally admitted, wringing his hands together as he dropped his eyes. I took a moment to study him and for the first time I could see a reflection of myself crumpled there on the floor. He could fall apart just as I had, it just didn't seem to happen as often.

“How many do you have?” I blurted out, the imprint of his fingers finally sinking deep into my muscles causing my jaw to tighten and ache.

“I would guess we have a lot,” he said with a small sad laugh, lifting his eyes again to me. “This assignment has me constantly wondering who might be when I see people walking around. Maybe 20... maybe more...”

I began to rub my temples to the pounding that was quickly becoming a headache. Thoughts and pain were not mixing well together and I closed my eyes to make them clear. I was the first brother out of at least 20 that he had ever known which apparently meant the same for me. He seemed sincere in his desperation to keep me here with him so I decided I could at least try to take his advice though I wasn't convinced it would work out in my favour.

“Get into your bed, it will be more believable if you're sick and in bed,” he pushed himself up off the floor, holding a hand out to help me up. I took it, pulling myself upright before heading to my squeaky single bed. He followed me with the cool wash cloth, placing it on my forehead after I had laid down. I had to admit that it helped my headache to calm considerably but didn't voice my pain nor my slight relief.

I ran through my lines again and had to admit that they weren't exactly lies. I had been sick. It just hadn't hit me until after I had returned to the room. I relived the way Taylor's face had crashed in front of me and felt I could trust him. Someone who didn't want to have me around would have let disciplinarians take me without a second thought.

Taylor sat beside me and held my hand as I laid motionless on the bed staring up at the ceiling. I could tell he was nervous and I figured he was nervous for me and not for himself. He had done nothing wrong that I knew of. There was no guarantee that being sick would be a reasonable excuse for what I had done. I was prepared for when the door opened and for the disciplinarians to take me away.

I had been much younger the last time I had been in trouble and I was a little shocked to see that these men were not as large up close as I had remembered. They were now my size and much less intimidating. They were bulky and muscular and made Taylor look like a toothpick beside them but with all my training, I had the same build as them. Though their physical presence didn't frighten me anymore, the terror of what they would take me too still burned hot inside my body. I felt my stomach churn again as they pulled me from my bed to stand between them.

I watched as Taylor left my side and went to his side of the room as if nothing was happening. A strange pang of hurt hit me as I watched him ignore me being pulled away, opening his book on his lap. This one was thicker and reminded me of my early days learning my basic reading skills. Was Taylor somehow still in testing?

I cooperated as the disciplinarians escorted me through the hallways. We landed in a small room with a table and two chairs almost exactly like the one I had received my assignment in. A deja vu moment began as the same woman walked in with my chart and took a seat opposite me. This time the stern looking men stood on either side of me as if they expected me to bolt. I'm sure many people had tried to run before but not me. I had accepted what was going to happen.

“It's a little soon to see you in here,” the woman began with a stern voice as she verified my barcode to the one on the clipboard. “This assignment is held to a high standard and we do not tolerate this type of behaviour. Your review scores will now be automatically lowered for your review and your disciplinary absence will count towards your ninety days.” My heart sunk hearing her words. I had always maintained such high reviews on paper and on myself.

“I was sick,” I found my voice after clearing my throat though it came out uneven. Her eyes snapped up to me, narrowing slightly as she inspected my face. I knew I still didn't look right and even still felt it. “And had to run out...” I mumbled, dropping my eyes from her intense inspection.

It only took a moment before she left the room, apparently sending a wordless signal to my guards who lifted me up from my seat by the shoulders. This was it. She hadn't believed me and I was headed to my punishment. It was hard to keep my breath even as they half dragged me down unfamiliar hallways until we came to a large heavy door with warnings written bold in red. I had been taught those words but rarely saw them.

They opened the doors and I was immediately blinded by the brilliant light. I flinched my eyes closed and tried to pull away from the heat that hit me at the same time. Panic took over my body and I gasped for air. They were going to burn me, that was my punishment.

“Come on, move!” one of the men said as he pushed me towards the heat, not hesitating to walk with me through the door way. If they weren't scared of being burned maybe my reaction had been too much to the sensation and I relaxed just enough to squint my eyes open. I wasn't on fire and neither were the new surroundings I saw. The air was heavy and thick with heat, my skin immediately feeling sticky. I had never experienced this type of atmosphere before and it felt strange but nice at the same time. It reminded me of sitting in the shower rooms full of steam but this intense heat was different. I squinted up at the source of the light and had to flinch my eyes shut again at the pain that hit me as I did.

The men took me to a small vehicle that I had occasionally seen them use in the hallways, whirring past me with a particularly disobedient tester in tow. I had never been on one myself and I couldn't help that a small part of me was slightly excited to try it. They always went so fast and it was something I had never experienced.

At first the fast motion caused my stomach to drop but in a way that made me temporarily forget the seriousness of my situation, a tiny grin barely touching the corners of my lips. That was wiped away almost as quickly as it appeared as my eyes adjusted to the light and I was able to take in the scenery. We drove on a narrow paved road and as I watched the building behind us get smaller, I noticed to my right something that seemed instantly familiar. As if watching the video again, I found myself faced with the reality of the fields and the men working in them. They seemed focused on their task but not as broken as my mind remembered. I stared and imagined myself among them. It was very possible that was exactly where I was being taken.

I felt sweaty and damp, the way I usually did after a long day working my body but I had barely moved. It was hard to imagine working in the overwhelming heat but I watched as we passed by each different crew, all of them still functioning despite the condition.

My thoughts were still on them, as well as my eyes, as we pulled up to a similar yet different building. It was separated from the fields with a tall fence that had to be opened for us to drive through. My nerves began to stir again as they parked in front of big double doors, pulling me off of the vehicle. Without instruction, they left me standing in front of the doors, loading themselves back onto the cart. I turned back around to face the doors, wiping my sweaty palms on my shirt. It didn't help much, my shirt was damp with my sweat already.

The doors opened and I was immediately hit by cool air that caused me to shiver slightly. It also came as a relief to my overheated body. Like a fly drawn to light, I walked towards the entrance, knowing I couldn't run anyway. I swallowed hard and accepted what lay beyond the initial chill.


	8. Chapter 8

I had never known what it was like to miss someone. The concept had never really occurred to me before. Everything so far in my life had been a consistent solo, the guest appearances not meaning that much to me as they came and went. In a time that could be measured in mere hours, I had grown accustomed to having someone to come home to. I felt comforted by the breathing, deep and peaceful, that was there as I slept. I'm not sure I realized this, it was so new, until it suddenly was no longer there.

In the hours that stretched endlessly in front of me I couldn't stop myself from revisiting his face over and over again. I had never seen such strong emotions overtake someone and I couldn't help but dwell on it. Like a blind person suddenly able to see, I had a new world in front of me. So many things that had been there all along were bringing themselves to my attention at lightning speed, a dam bursting open, the floods washing over and burying me without warning.

So much of my life had been lead at an even pace. My demeanor was always so calculated, so dull. Having tasted the roller coaster of emotions that were available to me, I now craved even the deep fear that had made me feel so alive though it also ripped me apart. It was something that made me conscious of the blood pumping wildly through my veins.

The fear of being forgotten was also something that I had never experienced. I liked blending into the crowd, never drawing too much attention to myself. It was an easy way to stay out of trouble. In this place I frequently felt I needed to lose my composure, scream and thrash myself against the wall until someone was forced to notice me. I wanted to let my emotions explode, anything to prove that I still existed. What it must be like for those who had faced this for longer was beyond me.

Upon my arrival to this facility, I had been ushered into the first room I came to. Under the supervision of masked individuals, I had been pricked and examined and thoroughly inspected for anything abnormal. I knew they wouldn't find anything but kept my mouth shut, obeying as they moved me around like a dead carcass being pushed around by a bunch of territorial hyenas. I was bruised and sore by the time I had been dressed in all white and shoved into a room that barely gave me enough room to pace. It would be a lie to say that my new dress code wasn't extremely comfortable but the benefits of my comfort did not come close to the situation I was now in.

It had been days but I only knew their passing by the small meals that were passed to me like a vicious animal no one was able to get close to. The clink of the metal shook my bones as it echoed sharply off the concrete walls and made me dread the food I would barely eat anyway. A few nibbles was all it took to calm the churning of my stomach and all I had the energy to chew. My fingernails had formed scabs on my scalp as I constantly pulled at my hair, my fingers raw from where I had nervously began to chew at my skin. Being left with my thoughts at night growing up was nothing compared to the endless cycle of thought that plagued me now.

I thought a lot about Taylor. I was surprised I could recall his face so easily, all the details easy to pull out of the catalog of features I had seen in my life. To compare, I tried to think of some of the testers that had been particularly fond of me but all of their faces seemed muddy as I concentrated. Perhaps it was the blue eyes that had made my mind sharper to his face. That ocean popped out long before the rest of his face instead of the opposite which is how I saw myself in a mirror. My eyes were the last thing I focused on when it came to my face. There was also a kindness that was always present there. It had invited me in and told me I was home without knowing anything about me. Thinking about it, I wasn't sure if Taylor was naïve enough to trust me from the beginning or just as apprehensive as I as below his facade.

Solitude also forces physical memories to come forward in a way that seems much too real. I had always enjoyed my time challenging myself with weights, the rippling sense of power that moved through my muscles was an addiction. I was surprised at how easy it was to remember how the weight felt in my hand, the slight burn of my grip on them through my calloused skin. Lifting my arm, the memory of the action was so easy to feel though it was just my imagination. In the same respect I could pull back the warmth of Taylor's hand as he touched my skin the first day we had met. It had been a small and simple act but without it, my mind craved it enough to conjure the illusion up for me again and again.

Though I had fought him and his behaviour that I wasn't used to, I had to admit that I missed it. It was difficult to accept that something so recent had made such an impact on me but it had. Faced with the idea that I would never experience contact with him again made me ache in a new way. Loneliness felt a lot more potent when you had something to compare it to.

I was restless. My body ached from lack of physical activity and I could feel my muscles depleting as each day dragged by. I wished for sleep but it rarely came. When it did I was tormented by nightmares of my future, ending up in a bleeding ball of flesh by the end of it each time. I began to curse myself for caring enough to put myself before the girl I didn't know. If I had done what was required of me, I could have avoided everything I had put myself through. It had been a good assignment just like Taylor had told me and I had foolishly thrown it away because of my fear.

On the beginning of what I had counted as the twelfth day, I felt the rush of fresher air hit my skin, the door to my cell opening wide. Though they still wore masks, they didn't treat me quite as harshly as they had when I first arrived. I was lead down the hall, placed in a room where the poked and prodded at me once again. I was getting used to my body behind handled for me and it was easier to let it happen each time. Then suddenly, as fast as I had walked through the doors on my way in, I was out the door and free to go.

I could have easily cried as I felt the freedom of space shoot from my body in vectors to every direction imaginable. The stifling heat was not such a shock to me this time and I embraced it as it touched all of my nerves. I stood in my freedom with my arms out to my sides and my head tilted back. It was liberating to move.

I assumed the men sent to escort me had let me have my moment as they watched. I stood just like that for a long while before they brought me back to the reality in front of me. Without any exchange of words they loaded me back onto the small vehicle which wasn't nearly as exhilarating as the first time. From my rush of ecstasy came the ball of nerves that fixed itself back into my stomach. I had no idea where I would be taken now. It was easy for me to believe I would have a new assignment now but the uncertainty felt a better option than the hopelessness I had been feeling the past two weeks.

As I took in the scenery passing me, I wondered if Taylor would miss me. He had seemed desperate to keep me at his roommate but when I was gone had he still felt the same? The extra space could have seemed more appealing once I had been gone for a few days. Did he know where I was? Where I was being transferred to? I doubted he would know. Just like water down the drain I'd be gone without a trace. I wondered if there would be any way to get a message to him. Being the first person who had cared about me, I didn't like the thought of him assuming the worst. It hadn't been pleasant but I was still alive, still breathing, and I knew that was something.

I wished it was easier for me to recall where we had come from that day to know where we were now headed. All of the fields and scenery blended together like a panoramic canvas that circled us, the images repeating themselves in front of me. I was too relieved to feel the air against my face to really dwell on where I was going. I had dealt with so much recently that I knew it was possible to eventually adapt to anything and maybe this time would be easier.


	9. Chapter 9

Relief flooded my body as I took in the familiar hallways, finally letting the grin creep over my face at the pure exhilaration I felt. Released into my ward to escort myself back to my room, I quickened my steps, eager to be back in my comfort zone. According to the time it was late evening and I wondered if Taylor would be in the cafeteria or in our space. I hoped he wouldn't be there quite yet. I hadn't been able to shower since I had been hosed down in the medical facility days ago. I could feel how thick my hair was with grease and could see the dirt that had collected on my fingers. I knew I looked horrible though I hadn't been able to see myself.

I was relieved to find the room empty, needing just a few minutes to prepare. The warm of the water pouring down on my in the shower was heavenly, melting the days of suffering off my skin in rivers. I knew I would never take being clean for granted again as long as I could still remember my own filth clinging to my body. The bathroom had fogged with steam by the time I was finished cleaning myself but it was a comforting feeling. I brushed my teeth and slid on a clean set of clothing and headed to my bed to enjoy being back in my space. The bed suddenly didn't seem so squeaky, the room not as small.

I popped up from my mattress quickly as I heard our door click open, smoothing my hair down. Feeling awkward, I wasn't quite sure where to stand or what to do. Though I had imagined Taylor being happy I was back, I couldn't guarantee that he would really feel that way. I felt flutters in my stomach as I watched the door swing open, his hair down over his face as he kept his eyes down on the book that he was reading, balanced open in his hand. It took a few moments before he glanced up, doing a small double take from the book when the sight of me caught him off guard.

I let a smile wash over my face, faltering a little bit as he just stared at me for a second. And then it hit me, the warmth of his body against mine in an embrace that cut off my air. It stunned me and I stood with my arms stiffly at my sides before hesitantly wrapping them back around his body. His hands seared heat into my back, branding me with his touch as he held me to him.

“I thought they'd taken you,” he mumbled, his face buried against my neck, “You've been gone so long.” I hadn't been expecting such a physical welcome but opened myself to it quickly.

“How long have I been gone?” I asked him, my voice feeling a little unsteady after not using it for so long. I wasn't sure how many days had passed, it had been too hard to really keep it straight.

“Two weeks,” he mumbled against me again. He was taller than I and it felt a little awkward for him to be hunched over to hug me the way he was, his back arched out yet against me at the same time. I tried to keep my mind focused on our happy reunion but I couldn't help drifting to my time away. Two weeks. That was fourteen of my ninety days I couldn't make up. I wasn't even sure if it was possible to keep up good performance even if I were perfect from now on. The idea was a little unsettling.

He let me go and held me at his arm length apart, looking over my face with his warm but concerned eyes.

“You really don't look very good,” he commented, his fingers moving to touch the side of my face, up into my hair where I had pulled until my scalp was raw. I pulled away slightly and looked down to the floor. I wasn't ready to revisit my time yet, it was too fresh. Nothing had even begun to heal.

“I'm fine,” I lied though I was already feeling much better just being free. He seemed to respect my space and let it go, moving his hand away.

“I'm really glad you're back,” his voice was soft and acted almost shy about what he was saying. I offered him a small smile in return and felt myself blush slightly. I had missed him but had convinced myself in the end that he didn't really care if I returned. To hear him say that he did made butterflies swell in my stomach. It felt so good to be wanted.

We found ourselves lounging in our separate beds later that evening. Taylor had his book open again on his lap while I enjoyed being able to stretch out in clean sheets. It was a small action but very liberating. Hanging my head over the edge of the bed, I looked at him upside down. His eyes grew so intense while he read, his hair shadowing his face into another world. We didn't have much in common so far that I could tell but I still appreciated his presence after everything that had happened.

“Why are you always reading?” I asked, surprising myself with the sound of my voice. I had taken him by surprise as well by the way his head snapped up to look at me. He opened his mouth to speak and then slowly closed it again as if he were carefully choosing his words before he vocalized them.

“It passes the time,” he responded after a few seconds, shrugging one shoulder. “Why aren't you always reading?” he then asked me back, waiting for my response with his eye brows raised expectantly.

“I don't know where you get books,” I said honestly, rolling myself onto my stomach since my neck had started to get sore. “And even if I did... I don't know how to read all those words.” I knew he already knew this or at least suspected it. He had explained words to me before and I doubted he hadn't already picked up on my handicap. Even though it had to be obvious, it still felt embarrassing to admit it to him since he was so skilled. He nodded with my answer, shrugging a little bit in a way that said it made sense to him.

“You just made it through basics?” he asked me and I was suddenly a little reluctant to tell him more. He knew more about me than I did of him and the imbalance made me uneasy. I still nodded as I sat up, my body mirroring his on our respective beds.

“What do you read?” I asked, stretching my neck out a little bit to look over at the words collected on his pages. I had only seen books made with numbers written out for different times of days and workbooks with basic schedule words and descriptions. Maybe his advanced schedule required him to know more words than I ever needed to know.

“Instruction books I have to read... stories sometimes,” he answered casually as he turned to another page and I figured to him the books weren't out of the ordinary. “I could teach you if you wanted me to,” were his next words that made me pause. He looked up at me for my reaction and I just chewed at my lip. I hadn't been a very good student back at the beginning. Maybe I couldn't learn how and that was why I had been transferred.

Without a response he still got up from his bed, picking though a few of his hard cover books before selecting one out of the group. He came over and plopped himself on my bed next to me, our thighs together. Using them as a table he opened to one of the first pages. I still wasn't used to having him so close but stayed where I was as he looked over the page.

“It's really not that difficult once you get started,” he said as he flipped a few pages. “I need this kind of practice anyway.” I looked up at him until he tapped the page. “You know this stuff, right?” he asked as he pointed out the first page of the lesson book. As I looked over the familiar schedule words I realized what the book was. It was a thicker version of the book I had learned from. It was in better shape than mine had been but looked almost the same on the pages.

Taylor's voice faded away as I wondered why he would have this book here in our room. We had never been allowed to take them from the classroom when I had been in those lessons. There had been many times I wished I could take the books back to my room to go over them when I was alone but it had never happened. It was hard for me to pay attention and keep up with the testers in those groups. I had always wanted just a little more time to go over what we were learning. It was probably why I hadn't made it very far before being transferred.

Taylor was also far past the skills that this book taught. I had seen first hand that he already knew how to read well and even write from the note he had left me. Even now as he offered to teach me, it made it obvious he had no business with this type of skill level. My eyes wandered over to the collection he had pulled this book from and I realized just how many he had on his side of the room. There were several stacks of books on his small table and then another on the floor next to his bed. I turned my head to look at my own table with only two notebooks and frowned. I wouldn't even know where to get books if I were allowed to have them in the first place.

“Zac!” the word startled me so much I jumped, the heavy book falling to the tile floor with a loud bang that echoed longer than it should have against the walls. My heart had speed up from the shock and then picked up even more by the warmth of his hand on my thigh. “You aren't very good at paying attention...” his voice was soft now as he bowed his head a little to catch my gaze.

“I'm sorry, I just get lost sometimes,” I mumbled, letting my eyes fall down to my hands on my lap. “I was just wondering where you got all these books.”

He left my side to retrieve the skill book from the floor. It disappointed me when he sat on the edge of his own bed and not mine this time. He moved his body to face me, closing the book carefully before setting it beside his hip.

“I have to have most of them,” he said, adding to the mystery he was creating around himself. For as many questions as he asked me, he wasn't very forthcoming with his own answers. I still felt like I knew nothing about him while he knew twice as much about me.

“But why,” I pressed, getting more bold with each hour I found myself close to him again. In my time alone I had created many conversations between myself and an imaginary Taylor. Thinking I was crazy at the time, I now found it had helped me to find my voice a lot easier than I could have in previous situations.

“This one,” he said, his finger sliding up the corner of the book, making the pages flutter back down to their position, “I have to memorize. Some of those too. It would be what I have to teach from.”

The realization hit me hard as I stared across at him. I was immediately intimidated and shrank back several inches on the bed. It all made sense now as I put the pieces together. All of his hints and vague answers had all pointed to this and I felt very foolish for not realizing it before.

Taylor was training to be a tester.


	10. Chapter 10

On my way to my assignments the next morning I finally allowed myself to think over what I had learned the night before. It had been easy to fall into a deep sleep after so many nights of restlessness and the small coma had left me a little groggy. Walking slowly seemed more natural because of this so I let myself take my time. With my fingertips sliding along the textured surface of the wall, I pondered what I knew about my roommate.

There were many divisions that existed that I wasn't exactly aware of in my life yet they were everywhere around me. Everyone began in educational and transferred out as they reach the limit of the skills in each section. I had only made it to physical and it was the end of my journey so I had never actually seen what lay beyond. There were other micro skills that came after and I had a vague awareness of them though I had never seen them first hand. I knew that a micro skill division made my clothing, for example. Another had painted the very walls I was touching. Every section came together to run the facility that we all lived and worked in. Even with my limited education I knew that. It was what was told to us as we prepared for our assignments. Each placement was just a important as another.

Taylor didn't fit into the progression that I knew. He was from educational but had wound up with the same assignment I was in. I had glanced at his schedule over his shoulder that morning, timing it just right so that he wouldn't notice. There were more obligations listed on his schedule than I had on mine. Where I had a lot of free time in my day for time at the gym or just time to myself, his seemed to be back to back for much of the day. I had attempted to read but hadn't been quick enough to decipher anything more than his first few tasks which were the same as mine.

It felt like the past couple weeks had never existed as I went through my day. Breakfast seemed the same before walking towards the next item on the agenda. I still knew my way to the short hallway that I hadn't seen since my breakdown and it still looked the same. It made me uneasy to view the row of doors again but I knew I had complete my day. They say a cat has nine lives but I only had two and I was already on my second.

With a courage I forced myself to have, I scanned myself in and pushed the door open. I froze in my tracks as my eyes registered the sight after my stomach had registered my fear. In front of me stood the same small girl that had sent me over the edge. The girl who had made me care less about my own well being than hers. I cursed under my breath as I forced myself to at least let the door close behind me. They had done this on purpose. This was my test.

I was faced with a difficult decision. If I refused to complete this assignment I knew I was done. My claims of illness would be exposed as the lies that they were and my true punishment would come down hard. I would be reassigned, taken away to the land of my worst fears and nightmares that I wasn't naïve enough to know didn't exist in reality. I recalled the scene that had played itself in the bathroom last time. Taylor would so upset with me if I let this happen again.

If I went through with it, I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself for hurting her. I swallowed hard as I let the obvious choice present itself in front of me. My own emotional torment was something I could get used to. It was the lesser of two evils by more than just a fraction. I gave myself a few moments to come to terms with this before throwing on my fake confidence. It fit awkwardly like a hand me down from someone whose limbs were just slightly shorter than my own, leaving some flesh exposed, but working better than nothing.

I timidly wrapped my fingers gently around the girls arm, shocked at how small she seemed in my hand, and pulled her gently towards me.

“I have to do this,” I told her though I wasn't sure if I was justifying it to myself or to her. I let a look of sympathy slip past my veil of confidence before patching the leak quickly. Weakness would only make me run and that could not happen this time.

I ignored the trembling of her body in my hands as I easily moved her from her spot against her wall. The complete physical control I had over this girl was frightening to me but made my suit of confidence fit just a little better. She knew what came next and slowly pushed her pants down her skinny legs, hesitating and I felt that she was waiting for me to run again. Had the roles been reversed, I would have felt the same way. Unfortunately for her, this time I wasn't fleeing the scene. I had to work through this if I wanted to keep my position, my roommate, my brother.

It was easier than I thought to place my mind somewhere pleasant. With my hand on myself, it was a simple reaction that didn't take much. It helped that I wouldn't let my eyes open. Nights I had done this alone were the most vivid images as I let my pants slide down my legs to the floor. 'Its just you' became a mantra that over and over again repeated itself within my brain. My shaft felt familiar in my own hand, a well known tool though I had just recently learned its true purpose.

My eyes had to flash open briefly to find a landmark. This was still unknown territory for me. Thankfully she had positioned herself in the same way the woman had in my instruction session. The back of her dark hair faced me instead of her piercing eyes that begged me to stop. To steady myself, I touched her hip and felt her body shake before I heard her whimper. I had never been faced with a task so difficult to carry out when the action was so simple.

With a deep breath held in my chest I lined myself up, taking a guess as to where I was supposed to push. I clenched my eyes shut and silently told myself I was alone. Like trying to push my finger through a button hole, I was barely able to slide in. Momentarily I assumed I wasn't doing it right and cracked my eyes open to look down. Everything seemed the same as it had the other times from what I could tell. I pushed my hips against her harder, watching as her feet rose off the ground with my motion. A sudden give and I was swallowed up inside a warmth that was much tighter than my other experiences. It drew the breath right out of my lungs and caused my nerves to tingle immediately. Blocking out her loud sobs, I was able to finish without more than a few sways of my hips. I thanked my vivid imagination for coming to my aid as I ripped my body away from hers quickly.

I had passed my test. I had proven to myself and to them that I was worthy of this assignment. Without a second glance at the girl or thought about what I had done, I quickly dressed and slipped out of the room. It was much easier to run away this time without my fears chasing me.

The only way to describe how I began to feel that night was settled. Knowing I had been in control of myself in a way that had eluded me lately gave me a sense of freedom. Something had changed in that room and though I had already blocked it far enough into the vault of my mind, I couldn't figure out exactly which factor had made me evolve. Instead I just felt content to be where I was. I didn't worry about what assignment would appear on my schedule in the morning or who would be in the room. I didn't worry that what I was going to do wouldn't be right. Bathed in this feeling, it was easy for me to smile.

It was also easy for me to relax when I heard Taylor enter our room. He looked at me with his warm eyes and for the time being, I accepted the mystery that came with him.

That satisfaction didn't stay with me for long. Like honey slowly oozing out of a broken jar, my insatiable curiosity slowly came back to me. It seeped into my body until I caught myself staring across the room at him in an unbreakable trance. He shifted several times until I was fully aware I was making him uncomfortable, his eyes darting to me every few seconds.

“What?” he asked me when he finally couldn't take it any longer. I was expecting it but his voice still made my heart skip a little, my body jump.

“Do you have the same assignment as me?” I replied matter of factly. I didn't feel the need to hide my question in a round about puzzle of words.

“Yes?” he said, sounding a little confused as he looked over at me, his hand resting on his spot in his book, “Why?” Again I found it frustrating that I had to pull information from him when he could have elaborated on his own.

“Why do we have to do that?” I knew I sounded like a child and in a sense I was. It was a genuine question that I only now had the courage to ask and still wondered if he had an answer for me. I felt my cheeks grow crimson as his stare warmed me like an oven but I didn't back down. I needed to know at least what he had to offer. In an act that was very familiar to me when I spoke to me he closed his book, setting it down in front of his crossed legged.

“Because that's how they keep this place populated.” I stared blankly at him, waiting for him to continue, but again, he didn't elaborate. I pushed my body up to sit across from him, not breaking my eye contact with him, challenging him to keep going. He sighed heavily and rubbed at his eyes, pushing his hair back from his face before looking back to me.

“Haven't you ever wondered where you or anyone comes from?” he asked in an exasperated tone which made me cheeks grow warmer. No, I really hadn't thought much about it before. He had set off a bomb of worms in my brain, my eyes clouding over slightly as I began to ponder his question. Where DID I come from? My memories from being small were vague but they were there along with other children. Where had we all come from? The first memory I could pull from the catalog of my mind made my head ache. I remembered falling from my top bunk, unable to pull myself back up to my bed. I had always been placed there by someone larger than me. Sitting helpless on the cold hard floor I could feel myself crying until my temples pulsed. Someone hushed me and placed me back onto my small mattress and the scene faded away.

“Zac!” Taylor's voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I cursed myself internally for letting myself drift so far away from the present again. “You were at the top of your group, right?” he asked and from his tone he must have already asked me several times. I nodded silently, worms still eating away at the life question I had never had a need to know.

“So was I. They don't bother with the ones who don't amount to anything. I had to really work to be here. I had to make sure I was at the top of everything to even have a chance. You must have been at the top of everything naturally to not know why you're here,” I again stared blankly at him, my mind revisiting his first greeting to me when I arrived. I must have really been something. “They want your qualities to make more workers like you,” he explained, “You're here to make more of you.”


	11. Chapter 11

-Taylor-

Zac's innocence was so frustrating to me as I sat down beside him, turning his palm towards his lap so his barcode was facing up. I did the same with my hand, placing them side by side in the shadow our heads created. His skin felt cool against mine and I wondered if it was the shock of these revelations that made his blood withdraw from the surface. If it wasn't, I wondered if I could find him a sweater since we had no way of adjusting the room temperature. I found that my body ran warm, always kicking off the covers or tearing off layers of clothing on a regular basis. Maybe he was my opposite in that respect. Since I had found him sitting in my room that day, I had felt a strong urge to protect him without really knowing why. He always seemed like a caged mouse, frightened but trapped, and I was the one who needed to set him free. I had never felt this way about anyone before. It was easy to let everyone fade in and out of my life without warning or explanation. With him it was very different. While he had been gone it had been hard to breathe. The room I was used to occupying myself seemed dark and empty without him next to me. During his absence I had interrogated myself about my feelings. Why did some kid have such an effect on me? I had never met a brother that I was aware of before but that hardly felt sticky enough to be the sole glue that held me to him.

“We each have the same mother like I showed you before,” I said as I moved my finger across the same numbers I had pointed out to him the day we had met, “But these numbers here... We have different fathers.” I traced the next sequence of four numbers in the middle of our codes, drawing his attention to the fact that they were different. While showing him his numbers, I could feel the differing strength that even our hands possessed. His fingers were thick, his palms wide while my fingers were long and much thinner. I could also feel the thickened skin that felt rough against my own soft palms.

“That's what you're doing,” I continued to explain when I saw the questions still written on his face. “That is why you have to verify your code every time. You're being the father and the girl is being the mother. You're making more of you.” I watched as his face changed, new questions etching themselves into each small line around his expression. He was searching my eyes and I could tell he was searching for a reason to believe me. The trust wasn't cement between us but I could understand why. Though he was much younger than I, I could see signs of age touching the skin around his eyes that was more pronounced than days before. This was a stressful and confusing position to be thrown into and I wish I could have made it easier for him.

I could tell it was hard for him to understand. From what I knew about his division and also from what I had learned from him, I understood that he hadn't been taught what I had even by a fraction. I also knew without a doubt that he hadn't seen the things that I had in my life so far.

I had excelled in my education because of my unquenchable curiosity. Every bit of knowledge I had eaten up, filing it away in my brain where I could easily recall everything I had encountered when I needed to. Watching as countless others were transferred away around me, I continued to push forward. There were only a few of us who kept going as far as I had but I found it was better that way. The quiet atmosphere made it easier for me to read, easier for me study, easier not to think about everyone else.

I was much younger than Zac was now when I found myself in the position he was in on the bed beside me. I hadn't yet physically experienced what he had when I learned about it so I knew what he was going through was much more confusing. Mine had started with a book when I was around fifteen. I could still vividly remember the pictures of anatomy on the page as I learned about basic biology. Women were such a mystery to me as I had stared at the page, wondering if I would ever get to see one in person during my life. One thing was always made clear, though. Only the best were allowed to reproduce. I made it a goal of mine in that moment to be the best and had pushed myself, flying through material faster than the others that had been around me.

There were three in my group when I made it all the way up to basic medical training. I was quickly approaching the time of my job assignment and I knew this could be it. A job shadow before my real placement. I had read all the books but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to see. The image still made me quake when I pulled it from my mind, everything about it was still crisp as if seeing it for the first time. It was my first time seeing a woman physically in front of me. The lines matched up with the illustrations from the book but much like my own anatomy I had compared to these drawings, it just wasn't the same. She was in distress, sweaty and screaming out as she pulled at the restraints that held her to the table. For the first time in my life I was scared, my hands shaking as I held my books in my arms, eyes wide in fear. I thought they were torturing this woman and that I would be expected to participate. Her body was naked, her stomach swollen round and high. I was sure her skin was about to tear open, a lesson to us about over eating. Still my eyes were glued to the scene, unable to look away. The sight of blood is what brought me to the floor. Feeling dizzy and weak only moments before, I woke up after behind propped up against the wall, my books in a heap at my side. With my vision coming back into focus, I saw the baby that had materialized while I was out. I still wasn't sure the exact events from point A to B but I had come to a conclusion that made enough sense to satisfy me.

My blood had run cold, sure I had just ruined all my years of hard work. All my striving to be the best was now lost in a few short moments of weakness. I had been right when I was immediately pulled from medical training that same day, crushed as I was stripped of my books and sent down the hallway. For three days I sat in my room, cursing myself to exhaustion for ruining all of my chances. I had gone from the best to worst with actions I hadn't even been able to control. I felt weak and by the time my new schedule had shown up I was convinced that I really was.

To my surprise I had been passed off to literature. My normal assignment date passed me by when I turned sixteen but I still continued to excel in everything they placed before me. I was taught how to write with more words than I could ever need and was encouraged to explore every aspect of the language I was being taught. Still needing to be the best, I always made sure I was a few steps ahead of the few others around me, asking the right questions and giving the right answers.

It was hard for me to grasp how ignorant my new roommate was when he was delivered to me in contrast to what I was taught. The simple concept of the two of us being related seemed something that didn't register to him. His long pauses and daydreaming made it obvious it was hard for him to wrap his head around many things. I had a basic handle on where he had come from, though. I had seen several sections with my own eyes and had learned about many others when talking with my testers about how things worked. I remembered once being given a pass to visit the gym. I had been so wrapped up in watching the skill levels that I had been asked to leave before I had a chance to touch any of the equipment. It was entirely possible that I had seen him going through his routines that day but faces were never something I was focused on remembering. I rarely saw the same people more than a few times, even in my own educational sections.

Through it was frustrating, deep down I knew the truth. Zac had never been intended to be anything but a labourer. Developing his strength for his purpose while intentionally not developing his mind. I could never admit that to him out loud. Even thinking it felt degrading. I had always assumed if one of my brother's made it here with me, he would be from the same background. I never fathomed I would be in close contact with someone of Zac's section. Had I seen him anywhere else, I probably wouldn't have given him a second thought. Instead I found myself wanting to help him. I wanted him to know the things I did so we would have something to talk about. There was an urge to teach him to read, to tell him about things he didn't know existed.

I put my arm around his body, hugging him into my warmth. He tried to recoil from my advance but I held him against my side for reasons I couldn't even explain. His companionship was coming to mean a great deal to me even if we didn't have much in common. It was nice to have a constant.

“You just have to trust it and just... go with it,” I finally explained to him without a better way of having him understand. Go with it seemed like the easiest way to stay under the radar.

-Zac-

There are very few things I had stopped to ponder in my existence before my sixteenth birthday. I rarely thought about any of the whys that went along with who or what I was. I had honestly never thought about where we had all come from or even why we were all there. With my limited contact with anyone outside my section, there wasn't much I was prompted to think about. I had always done my best and lived my life without asking many questions. There really hadn't been many questions for me up until now. It was better and much easier to stay under the radar when it came to anything outside my bubble. Existence was finite for me and not something that could change or morph into anything than what it already was. Before my eyes I was now watching it do just that. My purpose was now part of a larger picture I had never seen before.

I had been specifically created not spontaneously generated as I guess I had always assumed. I had been tailored from the best which had brought me and Taylor to where we were. We were the best of the best. To be honest, I was more shocked at the idea that I was and possibly had already created more of myself. As Taylor had put it, would I see these duplicates walking around? Would I recognize them as if I were looking into a mirror? If that was truly my job, my productivity must refer to how many of myself I could make. Was I doing it right?

I had no reasons not to trust my roommate but the answers he was giving me seemed a little far fetched. There were gaping holes in his logic that made it seem like an elaborate trick he could laugh at me for believing later. Maybe the woman turned into me once she left the room. I couldn't remember much from being small so it seemed plausible. I couldn't connect point A to point B and because of this, I could sense Taylor getting frustrated. He looked at his time and let out a sigh.

“I'm going to be late... but maybe I could find you one of the books I used to have about it,” he said as he pushed himself onto his feet. A chill took his place beside me, dragging the temperature of the room down with it. I nodded silently as I looked up at him, feeling small under the height of his knowledge. Through the inferiority though, I felt thankful he was patient with me. That alone made me trust him just a bit more.


	12. Chapter 12

With the positive feelings that were being reinforced by Taylor about things with each talk we had, a different feeling was slowly beginning to root itself deep within me. Though I was grateful for what I was learning, I wasn't sure I was okay with it. The more I knew the more I wanted to know. Then as I learned even more, the less I wish I knew. A complicated web of feelings over these issues was making its home in my head, spinning its vectors until it caught everything rational between them. It caused me to let out a frustrated sigh as I rubbed at my eyes with the back of my knuckles until I saw stars.

It was time to do it all again and I forced myself out of bed telling my feet to march towards the door. I was determined to make each step part of my new routine. It was hard to accept the feeling of uncertainty that awaited me each time I left the safety of my room but it was also getting much easier to suppress the closer I came.

The next few days became easier as I finally found myself starting to fall into a predictable pattern. Each room was no less intimidating but it slowly began to feel normal and I let myself embrace that. The people I met behind the doors also began to come in familiar patterns. Faces slowly became recognizable as the same women greeted me over and over. One with olive skin and long dark hair that fell past her shoulders always held my attention just a little more than the others. The curve of her lips and her body stayed in my memory just a little bit better, the way that she felt staying on the tips of my fingers. Her eyes were dark but the warmth I felt from them made me instantly feel at ease. I knew we weren't really supposed to talk yet I couldn't stop myself the third time I saw her. Her clothes silently fell to the floor as always and I thought I saw a hint of a smile grace her lips as she watched me do the same. Like Taylor, she had a way of making my nerves flush from my body and I felt my lips twitch up to mirror her expression.

My breath quickly rushed into my lungs as her warm hand startled me, smooth fingers gently wrapping around me as she pulled me close. The act was the same as it had been with the nurse the first day but it felt entirely different. No other woman had done this so far and it caused my breath to hitch again. Her warm gaze pulled me in as if being hypnotized and it was so intoxicating that I let her. I leaned in against her as she guided me where I needed to go, the warm wetness covering me as she used her hand to move me slowly inside. She made a noise near my ear that made my eyelids fall shut, her cheek softly resting against mine.

“What's your name,” I whispered, barely moving my lips as my hips took over in a rolling motion. It took her a second to respond as we both focused on what we were supposed to be doing but when she did, I felt a current that ran down my spine, goosebumps raising on my arms.

“Lila,” she whispered back, her voice soft and light, unlike any I had heard in my life. It was over before I knew what to say, the warmth of her body pulled from me as she quickly went for her robes. Shocked, I stood there with a blank expression as I watched her pull her clothes back on wanting nothing more than for her to stay with me just a little longer. The calm I had just felt from her presence was something I desperately wanted to cling to but knew I didn't dare.

I couldn't control the urge to touch myself as I went back to my room. I slipped my hand beneath the elastic of my pants, still able to imagine her around me as the movement of every step caused my hand to stroke. Not knowing the time of Taylor's arrival didn't stop me from tenting my legs once I was laying on my mattress, the position allowing the fabric to loosen enough for my hand. I closed my eyes and thought about the way her name had hit my ears. Lila. It was so wrong for us to have spoken but it made me yearn to see her again.

Now knowing what it was for, I couldn't help but ponder why it felt so good. I moved my fingers from the base to the head several slow times as I tried to figure it out. The sensation always got better as I reached the tip, my thumb exploring that area with gentle circles that made me squirm. I had never had the urge to spend this much time with myself before, my other hand creeping into my pants as well to aid in the exploration. I could feel my face twitch each time I found a particularly sensitive spot, my skin growing hotter as my nerves started small fires throughout my body. I felt like I was floating, my eyes squeezed shut tightly with my head pressed back against the pillows. Whimpers forced their way out of my throat, startling me just slightly the first time when I wasn't expecting the noise from myself. I didn't think I had ever experienced anything quite as pleasurable and even the sound of the door didn't stop me right at first.

Feeling eyes on me, I cracked mine open, swiftly pulling my hands from my pants as my eyes met his.

“I..um..” I mumbled out as my body pushed back against the pillows to sit up.

“I can leave... if you want,” Taylor responded with a small laugh which immediately caused my cheeks to blush brightly. I wasn't sure how to respond, my silence taking over me once again as I stared back at him with wide eyes. “It's okay, you don't have to freak out,” he said with another laugh, a hand resting on his hip as his eyes stay on my face, obviously amused.

I watched him as he let out another chuckle before moving to his side of the room as if nothing had happened. The aching between my legs was begging me to continue but I bit at my lip hard as I watched him, wondering if he did the same thing when I wasn't around. My hips squirmed as I searched for some friction, sitting forward so I could push my hand against my crotch as he crawled onto his own bed.

He was watching me from the corner of his eye, I could tell, and the smirk on his face didn't make me feel any better. I had come to enjoy and even crave his company but right now all I wanted was for him to leave. I watched as he curled up on his side, pulling his blankets up before resting his head on his pillow.

“You're a really heavy sleeper,” he said as he winks at me once before closing his eyes. “And I'll be out in a minute.”

My brows knit together as his words repeated in my head, my cheeks blushing deeply once I realized what he had meant. As I watched his breathing slowly even out until I knew he was asleep, I couldn't deny that the thought of him doing this in the bed next to me made the need become even stronger. The image of his long fingers wrapping around himself while I was unconscious beside him began to replay on a loop inside my brain until my hand was pumping at myself without mercy. My own stubby fingers of my free hand grasped at my sheets as my skin became clammy with sweat. In my head his lips parted as his head fell back just as I felt mine doing, the mattress squeaking as the motion of my hand rocked my body. I imagined waking up to the sound, watching as his hand moved under the sheets in a rhythm matching mine.

With the elastic hindering my motions, I pulled myself out from under the thin fabric, the cool air hitting me in contrast to my now heated hand. The swirl of fire inside me became suddenly concentrated, pulsing down between my hips in a rush I had no desire to stop. Just as the flames reached the tip, I opened my eyes to look at the bed beside me.

Shocked when I didn't see what I was expecting, my eyes locked with the crystal blue staring right back at me as my volcano began to violently erupt. My body froze, hand stuck in place on myself as I made a mess of my stomach, unable and unwilling to break myself free of the connection that had just formed.


	13. Chapter 13

The feeling that gripped me left my lungs without air, frozen in place as if someone had broken my spine, paralyzing me. I was vaguely aware of the muscles in my hand tightening around myself but I could barely process the action let alone acknowledge it enough to unclench my fingers as the blood stayed painfully trapped where it was. His eyes had never seemed so shockingly crystal blue and like a snake hypnotizing his prey, I was at his mercy. With the detail of a snowflake under a microscope, I could see the kaleidoscope of colours and their unique pattern though it felt like I was too far away to be able to focus on that. I had never taken the time to look another person in the eye, I had never had a reason to, the idea had never occurred to me. I knew my eyes were brown and deep, studying myself in the mirror something I did as a child to pass some time. Taylor's eye colour had stood out to me from the moment we met but the intensity seemed overwhelming as I really studied them. As the moment stretched on, all measurements of time leaving me, I memorized how his long eyelashes curled in a perfect arch, tapering off to nothing but defining them perfectly.

I felt my eyes drying before I had the capability to blink, my lids feeling like sandpaper as they finally scrapped against them to shut for just a moment. That second broke the intense connection we had been locked in, both of us quickly turning away from each other as I pulled my blanket up around my shoulders. In that same moment I felt my body began to work again, the blood rushing back into my veins with a speed that made me feel dizzy. My heart thumped in my chest as its rhythm restarted, air rushing painfully into my lungs. Feeling exposed though my covers shielded my body, I slid my hand down tucking myself back into my pants, my hand lingering for a moment. I swiped my shirt over my stomach, my mess cold against my skin sending a small shiver through my body causing me to pull the covers tighter around me.

The rustling of Taylor's sheets was slight but deafening in the silence of our room. Sound waves reaching my ears and painting a picture of his movements as the mattress squeaked with his weight. My eyes puckered shut with the sound of a small breathy moan I would have missed had I moved and I couldn't help but wonder if he was going to do the same thing I had just done. I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes or even turn my head to check my theory. Instead I pulled the blanket over my head, ignoring the stifling stuffy air that now surrounded my face.

I began to process the last few minutes and was surprised to find that shame wasn't an emotion I was feeling. There was nothing he had done to make me feel as though I should be ashamed. In fact, he had subtly encouraged it as I thought about it. Is that why he had been watching me? Was this just a normal action for him? I pulled my blanket up to my chin, fists balled up as I held it in place against my jaw. A giddy grin soon spread across my lips as a warmth began to enveloped me in a tight embrace. I felt it through my entire body as I realized what everything meant. I finally had someone sharing my experiences and it was a bigger comfort than I could have imagined. It wasn't just something I did hidden in the dark corners in my bed anymore. My roommate did it too and it finally felt okay; everything felt okay. I was no longer the only one swimming in the sea of conformity that held secrets. I felt an overwhelming need to be closer to him, scooting a few inches backward to lessen the space, even just a little bit, even if I was the only one who knew.

A short time later I could hear his steady breathing, knowing he had fallen asleep. The grin stayed plastered onto my face as I closed my eyes, listening to each exhale as it echoed softly against our bare walls. It felt even more comfortable to me as each moment moved passed until I was lulled into a content sleep.

He was gone when I woke up, as he often was, but I couldn't shake the small sense of sadness that came over me at the realization that I was again alone in our room. Parts of me had wanted him there when I awoke and renew the happiness I had felt just hours before. I pulled myself from the blankets feeling unusually unrested. I rubbed at my eyes as I stood beside my bed, the backs of my knees touching the mattress and making the idea of falling back into sleep seem so easy. So obtainable. A long sigh left my lungs as I turned, staring across at the neatly placed blanket on top of Taylor's bed. Even his pillow was perfectly settled into its place. My twisted blanket would stay as it was until I returned and it made me feel like a slob. My side of the room was never as neat. I never took much effort arranging my things. Feeling self conscious, I tried to straighten my blanket, wrinkles and folds still appearing as I attempted to smooth it out. It didn't work the same for me, my actions relatively ineffective towards what I was trying to do.

I stared at the space between our two small beds, chewing at my lip as I thought of being closer to him. Nudging my bed forward a few inches with a loud screech, I wondered if he would notice the difference between them. I moved it just a bit more before glancing around. Surely it wouldn't be that apparent. Especially if I moved my small table as well.

After I had arranged my furniture, I moved towards the door to see my schedule for the day. With the order seeming almost identical to the day before, I headed to take a shower before my day would begin. I paused to view my furniture again, gauging how apparent the move was. After assuring myself it looked the same, I wasted no time stepping beneath the hot water. My stomach grumbled loudly as I washed my body and for the first time in days, I looked forward to filling it. The ball of anxieties I had been holding seemed to wash down the drain with the dirt from my skin, my stomach not churning with what I would have to do later. Taylor did the same thing each time he left and he always had a smile on his face for me. The intimidation of my tasks lowered each time I remembered that. I wasn't alone and this shouldn't be scary.

Finally able to eat everything I was given, I could barely make it out of the cafeteria with my stomach stretched so tight. I groaned in delightful discomfort as I made my way down the hallways. Each time I passed another door, though, I felt my resolve crumbling chip by tiny chip. The warmth Taylor's smile brought to brighten our bedroom did not radiate into these sterile hallways. With each step his light grew dimmer, my uncertainties becoming the shadowy destination laid out before me.

My stomach muscles began to clench and with it came the instant regret for greedily shoving every last bite past my lips. I swallowed hard with each step, willing myself to hold back the overwhelming urge to expel my meal. The night before had changed so much inside of me that the return of consuming anxiety found me with my guard down, my walls of defense not in place and definitely not braced for it to slam into me. I stopped in the hallway to take a deep breath, glancing around to make sure no one was paying attention to me. As I had done before, I needed to pull myself together and I knew that somewhere in my brain I would be able to do just that. It hadn't been as intimidating the last few times and I began to remind myself over and over that it hadn't been so bad. I had nothing to worry about. It had even been good yesterday.

A ball of my food was stuck just below my throat requiring me to swallow several times but it didn't help. The feeling still persisted but I had to choke it down. I tried to focus on Taylor and what I thought he might be doing at this exact moment. Was he in the next room? Had he just now entered the cafeteria? It was a consuming thought but successfully distracted my mind just enough to get me down the maze of halls, finding my door exactly where I expected it.


End file.
